The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

(Chapter 1) The Raging Tempest


Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled.
Oh, waken and save, I pray! […]
And I perish! I perish! dear Master.
Oh, hasten and take control!
-Mary Ann Baker[1]

Depression seems to be a taboo subject in its own way, and I believe it is because of misunderstanding and guilt. Those who have never experienced it can not understand it, and some tend to believe it is not a “real” illness—that it can be easily overcome. Those who have it are not sure what to believe, and feel guilty and ashamed. We do not want to burden others with our problems so we don’t admit what it feels like. If anyone is going to get anywhere with this problem, it has to be faced and discussed for what it is.


[1] “Master, the Tempest is Raging,” Hymns 105

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