Growing Pains

Anyone who has ever tried to get in shape knows that we do not get any closer to our goals without pushing ourselves. It is by moving one step farther than we know we can that we grow stronger.
This principle applies just as well to our emotional and spiritual growth day to day. When depressed, I try to make myself do just a little more than I feel I can do. If I feel that I can do the dishes but that’s all, I try to do the dishes and then sweep the kitchen floor as well. If I feel like I can only read five verses of scripture, I might make myself read the whole chapter. This little extra will help me feel normal again. Doing a little more will remind me that I am stronger than I think, and will help me feel better about myself. I have learned not to wait until I feel like doing something, since I will never feel like doing it. In The Feeling Good Handbook, Dr. David D. Burns, M.D., explains this principle: “People who are extremely successful know that motivation doesn’t come first—productive action does. You have to prime the pump by getting started whether you feel like it or not. Once you begin to accomplish something, it will often spur you on to do even more.” With any job, he says, “Once you get started, it usually turns out to be far less horrible than you had imagined, and you feel more like doing it. […] The message is simple: the more you do, the more you’ll feel like doing; but doing something comes first!”[1] Since reading this insight, I have found that as I sit staring at the dishes, if I will say to myself, “action first, then motivation,” I will get up and start.
At the same time, we cannot expect too much of ourselves. Don’t compare yourself now to how you were pre-depression; that will only make you feel guiltier and drive you deeper down. Make your goals reachable so that there will be something to celebrate. Allow yourself to be proud of the small things. When you get up in the morning and get ready for the day, tell yourself “good job.” It may seem silly, but if that’s more than you thought you could do, it was worth the effort.
Jared shared with me his experience with setting goals: “After I attempted suicide, moving back home [from college] was a big help, but just being there wasn’t enough. I had to have a goal, something to reach for, and it had to be something that I set for myself. No one could tell me what kind of goal or that I even needed to have a goal. So I found something that I had always wanted to do, and that was to play the saxophone. I didn’t do very well; I went to a few lessons and I practiced as much as I could when no one was home because I felt so weird about it. I was 21, for crying out loud. It helped me some to work on it and see that I was making some progress. I had to give it up when I [went back to school]. But it made a difference. Especially that my parents were willing to let me try it and foot the bill. I don’t think they know how much it helped me to know that they were backing me.”
As you put one foot in front of the other each day, as you push yourself just a little beyond what you believe you can do, that will make all the difference. Stepping up your emotional workout will strengthen your ability to cope with the world. It has to feel a little bit harder than you’re used to; the pain is making you stronger, and that’s how you know you’re changing.
Alma tells his son, “Teach them to never be weary of good works, but to be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls” (Alma 37:34). After tiring yourself out by putting forth your best effort, the rest you receive will be far greater than the rest you receive by simply not trying in the first place, for it will be rest to your soul. Heavenly Father will let you know that He is proud of you, and perhaps you will be able to feel proud of yourself.
[1] Burns, David D. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: Penguin Group, 1999, 170.