The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

Coming Before the Lord

We are always worthy to pray. Whatever our situation, the Lord wants to hear from us, because He has commanded us to pray always. The Lord does not judge us based upon the performance of others; He judges us against what He knows we are capable of doing, right now. Knowing that our best—and not someone else’s best—is just what the Lord expects can help us to come before Him on our knees and converse with Him. “Come now,” He invites us, “and let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). He wants us to reason with him, to pour out our hearts to him. He already knows us, so we might as well be honest with Him.
The Lord knows all our weaknesses just as well as we do. And He still wants us to pray and to do our best. In a talk entitled “On Being Worthy,”[1] Elder Marvin J. Ashton declares, “When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, ‘I am not worthy,’ we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward.” He explains, “We can be worthy to enjoy certain privileges without being perfect.” Among these privileges are going to church and praying. “I am also convinced,” he says, “of the fact that the speed with which we head along the straight and narrow path isn’t as important as the direction in which we are traveling.” Depression slows us down. This is a fact, I know. But it’s okay. As long as we don’t let it stop us completely or turn us around, as long as we continue to press forward in obedience, we can still be counted worthy. This is the good news of the gospel. We can still obey; we can still pray, even when we do not feel worthy. Elder Ashton encourages each person to “refuse to judge themselves as unworthy,” because that is not our job. Our job is to keep trying and to keep praying.
[1] Marvin J. Ashton, “On Being Worthy,” Ensign, May 1989, 20

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