The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

My Story

I have struggled with depression off and on since high school, though during my first few episodes, I didn’t know what it was. For many people, depression is caused by traumatic experiences from childhood or from certain experiences in their lives. For me, it was triggered at certain points in my life, but as far as I know, it was not caused by anything other than a genetic imbalance in brain chemicals. It wasn’t until a few months before I got married that I found out that my depression is genetic; many in my immediate and extended family suffer from depression.
My worst experience with depression started a few weeks after I got married. I used to hate saying that. I hated the fact that getting married triggered depression for me. Other than my depression, our first few months of marriage constituted one of the best times in my life and I have many wonderful memories from that time. My husband Jeff and I were both still in college and each had two jobs. We were poor and busy but loved it, and we had fun together. We certainly were in for a learning experience, though. Depression slapped me in the face in a way I had never felt before. I was forced to deal with it because it became my life. I had to face it head on; I had to talk about it, admit to it, and deal with it. I believe that Jeff also learned a great deal about himself, about me, and about dealing with problems that he didn’t understand during this time.
After about four months of fairly severe depression, I started taking an anti-depressant, which worked very well for me. I took it for about five months, until I found out I was pregnant. Pregnancy seemed to change my hormones dramatically, and it took over a year after giving birth to my daughter, Emma, for my depression to again put in an appearance.
I now deal with depression for two or three weeks at a time here and there, and I have realized that I will probably never be free from this illness. Like a cancer patient, I consider myself “in remission,” rather than completely cured. This doesn’t bother me too much anymore. It’s my trial, and I’ve found my own ways to live with it.

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