The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

The Lord's Purposes

We came here for a purpose, and all of our experiences are meant to make us stronger and help us grow. It is a mistake to ask, as the people asked Christ about the blind man, “who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” (John 9:2). We cannot see with our limited vision the wisdom of the Lord, so we try to find explanations for ourselves, often looking in the wrong places. We must not assume that trials are a punishment. If righteousness were the determinant factor for ease of life, Christ would have had the easiest life of all, with no heartache, no struggles, and no pain. Christ’s answer is so important in this instance: “Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (John 9:3). The Lord has His own purposes; it is our job to trust Him. “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments” (D&C 59:21). We must be able to tell ourselves that His hand is in all things, including the circumstances that we would rather not have.
We may not understand the details, but from Moses 1:39, we do know the Lord’s purpose. “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” In our efforts to try to understand why we may be burdened with the difficulties we face, it would be wise to stop and ask what we might learn from this experience or how we might grow, for “He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life” (2 Nephi 26:24). Rather than cursing God, we should be thanking Him for giving us the opportunity to learn and grow, though it may go against everything we are feeling.
We can learn a great deal about our own emotional or spiritual bondage from the people of Limhi and the people of Alma, who suffered in bondage under the Lamanites. Through all of their suffering, the Lord did hear their cries, “and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage” (Mosiah 21:15). The Lord does not always see fit to deliver us out of bondage, but He does always hear us. If we continue our prayers, He will bless us that we may be able to bear our burdens, but He will not always remove the affliction.
We are told why the Lord allowed Alma’s people to remain in bondage to Amulon: “Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith” (Mosiah 23:21). The Lord needs to test us, for that is why we are here. Only the Lord can decide when we will be delivered from bondage, and He is the only one able to deliver us. If He does not see fit, then even the strongest army could not free us. All our faith cannot free us if it is not time.
But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage. (Mosiah 7:33, emphasis added)
So we learn to wait, and we learn to trust.

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