Finding the Light in the Darkness

This was written by my uncle a few years ago.

This is a “what-I-have-learned” kind of project. I make no claims at having a special understanding of depression, other than having experienced it myself for a number of years, being greatly debilitated by it for some of those years. I make no claim at understanding the way out for anyone but myself. I focus most on the spiritual aspects of the healing process, not because I believe that it is solely a spiritual problem, but from the belief that spiritual healing is an integral part of the overall healing and coping process. I do believe there is a way out of the debilitating effects of hopelessness. I share these thoughts with a humble desire that they might help someone else towards hope.

Spiritually speaking, I believe many of us wear glasses. They filter the way we see our life and our eternal journey. Sometimes our spiritual glasses become tinted and distorted, and can create false images of ourselves, our families, our friends, our circumstances, the gospel, and even our standing with our Heavenly Father.
There are a few of us that choose to look at life through rose-colored glasses. These glasses can be harmful to our eternal progression because they allow us to ignore sins and imperfections that slow or stop eternal progression. Impressions from the spirit to repent are ignored as we view the ugliness of sin painted in the false pastel light of denial and rationalization. Those who feel “All is well in Zion” may suffer from rose-colored vision.
While those with rose-colored glasses may be found among us, there are perhaps even greater numbers whose glasses are tinted with a gray film of discouragement. While physical sunglasses have redeeming characteristics – they filter out glare and damaging rays from the sun. Any filtering we do of spiritual light simply reduces our access to the spirit of the Lord, who is the source of all light.
I believe Satan is a primary source of the gray film on our spiritual glasses. He does not want us to see our lives, to see our potential or to see our spiritual goals clearly. He wants us to lose our way on the path to eternal life in the “mists of darkness” that discouragement can create. His goal is to cut us off from the positive and strengthening influence of the spirit of God.
President Ezra Taft Benson warned, “We live in an age when, as the Lord foretold, men’s hearts are failing them, not only physically but in spirit. As the showdown between good and evil approaches with its accompanying trials and tribulations, Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency and depression”.
An increasing number of church members are suffering from maladies of the spirit that rob us of joy and happiness and that distort and color our vision of the world. We can become filled with dark, lonely feelings, and may even feel abandoned by the Lord as we walk in the spiritual fog of depression. Our daily walk in life can feel as though we are trudging along in a muddy bog so deep that we can barely put one foot in front of the other, and that the guiding light of the Lord has forever been interrupted by ominous clouds of despair that hang over us. Over time, we may find that the glasses we wear have become so darkened that our impression of the world becomes mostly negative, we feel cut off from hope and joy and accept as reality that our lives and the world in general are void of joy and happiness. How wrong we can be.
In Jacob 4:13 we are taught: “…for the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls.”(emphasis added) If the spirit of light becomes estranged from our souls, we are no longer able to see things as they really are, or as they really will be. We may accept the exaggerated darkness of our current situation and the false prophesy of a bleak future as truth. But we should remember that any image that promotes despair and hopelessness is a lie! Our Heavenly Father never promotes such feelings. He is a loving Father whose plan of happiness is extended to all his children. While he does not promise a life of ease and unrelenting pleasure, he does provide the way for us all to experience an underlying peace, a deeply satisfying joy, and with a steadying hope as we strive to follow the gospel plan. He has provided vital sources of light and truth to lead and guide us toward that happiness and to build hope. These sources come in the form of the scriptures, prayer, and music, inspired counsel, priesthood blessings, and gifts of the spirit.
But just as Our Heavenly Father is the source of light, Satan provides a most powerful and persuasive source of darkness, negativity and despair. We allow this darkness to enter our lives in two ways. One is through sin, the other by accepting for truth, the voices of negativity sponsored by the evil one. If sin has clouded our spiritual vision, we must repent. If, however, we have no significant un-repented sins and still feel a great darkness inside; or we feel far away from the safety and peace of the light, we may have become so distracted by the voices of despair that we are failing to hear the peaceful promptings of the Holy Ghost that testify of our Heavenly Father’s love and of the pathway toward the improvements he is ready to help us make. These voices may come as we mercilessly “beat ourselves up” over imperfections, as we accept the thoughts of worthlessness or hopelessness in our pursuit of perfection, or as we listen to the uninspired judgments of others.
Mormon taught us how to distinguish between the Lord’s voice and that of the adversary. “That which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.” Satan’s influence however “persuadeth no man to do good”.
Our spiritual glasses can become so dark that we are unable to see the true joy and happiness that exists in our life. We may become so accustomed to a filtered vision that we begin to believe that the false and filtered view provided is real. We may become so accustomed to the spiritually deafening voices of negativity that we no longer hear the sweet, quiet, but persistent promptings of the spirit that would bring us the truth and entice us to good.
If we accept the false vision and voices of despair, we may choose to cut ourselves off from the very sources of light that would be our salvation. We may choose to avoid contact with friends, family and church members because we may find their happiness a source of irritation rather than of encouragement. We may believe that those who speak of “joy in the gospel”, and of happiness in life are deluded, naive or simply unwilling to see the world for what it is. We may find gospel discussions and talks difficult to hear because they serve only as reminders of our imperfections, or of how our lives have not always turned out like theirs or like the characters in their faith promoting stories. We may find scripture study and prayer unfulfilling because the spirit just doesn’t seem to get through to us. This may lead us to believe that the Lord has abandoned us – that the promises of the gospel are not applicable to us – that we are not worthy or deserving of communion with the spirit of our Heavenly Father. These are all promptings from the adversary to remove us from the light we need to spiritually grow and progress.
Jesus taught that “The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. But if thine eye be evil (as a result of sin or distracting negativity), thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness” (3 Nephi 13:21-22 parenthetical comment added). Our “eye” then, or in other words, our focus should be on the light.
If we find ourselves suffering from a loss of hope, because of despair, discouragement or depression, we must seek to replace darkness with light. Fortunately for us, light is stronger than darkness! Divine light will always drive out darkness. This can give us hope. Robert D. Hales has said, “Light dispels darkness. When light is present, darkness is vanquished and must depart. More importantly darkness cannot conquer light unless light is diminished or departs. When the spiritual light of the Holy Ghost is present, the darkness of Satan departs.” Focusing on the light is a true and powerful gospel principle. Divine light really does bring truth, joy, happiness, knowledge and peace into our lives. It illuminates the good that is in us, in our lives, and in those who surround us. Just as the light of dawn can transform a gray, colorless landscape into a magnificently beautiful scene, so too can the spirit of God can illuminate our life so that we recognize its inherent beauty, its potential, and its importance in his plan. We are then able to see our souls and our standing with God as they really are and as they really can be, in other words to see ourselves the way that God sees us, to “see as we are seen and to know as we are known”.
Focusing on the light is much more than simply having a good attitude. It means beginning to center our lives on things that will faithfully provide us with the nourishing light of the Lord. President Ezra Taft Benson has suggested 12 ways to invite the light back into our lives. (You can find the complete text of his talk in the October 1986 Ensign.)
1. Repentance is a great way to clean our spiritual glasses.
2. Pray with faith in your hour of need (see Joseph Smith’s account of the first vision. He too was confronted with great darkness and found deliverance).
3. Service. Lose yourself and your problems in a life more devoted to service. As you help others, your burden will become lighter.
4. Work is a blessing that can lift feelings of worthlessness.
5. Stay healthy. Physical health influences our emotional health. Walking or other worthwhile exercise can help lift some of the darkness.
6. Scripture study can bring a great source of daily light into our lives.
7. Priesthood blessings can bring added strength and direction.
8. Fasting with prayer, meditation and scripture study can help clear the mind.
9. Support of family and friends can bring encouragement and understanding. Talk with someone you trust. One of the most liberating experiences is talking with someone else who has experienced what you are living.
10. Good music can lift the soul.
11. Endurance. There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you.
12. Setting reasonable goals. Work on goals that will help you become more like Christ.

Excessive feelings of guilt can prove to be a powerful source of darkness in our lives. Feeling badly about our sins and imperfections is healthy when it brings us to repent for mistakes, change our lives for the better and then move on. As we repent in God’s way, we will certainly feel sorrow and pain, but we will also feel the promptings of his spirit giving us hope and showing us the way out of our sorrow and pain. Alma tells his son “…only let your sins trouble you, with the trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance”. Dwelling on our inadequacies, on past sins for which we have repented, or on our inability to achieve perfection right now is not healthy. In fact, if Satan is successful in distracting us from hearing the encouragement from the Lord, and his divine directions toward peace, he can damn our spiritual progression. If we are not careful, Satan may be successful in turning a healthy and motivating feeling into a superbly effective tool, devilishly crafted to entice us to give up on ourselves, or on the Lord. He can effectively damn our spiritual progression toward perfection by our unrealistic and exaggerated view of our imperfections. We can expend so much spiritual energy consumed with the mistakes we have made, with our seeming lack of progress toward overcoming all our shortcomings, or with the talents and abilities we think we lack, that we have little energy or desire left to share or enjoy the divine spiritual gifts we have been given, or to seek additional light and understanding, or to patiently continue our efforts of improvement.
When I look at my life and come away with a seemingly endless supply of imperfections, flaws, sins and problems, I do not believe that image is one that comes from the Lord. Long “laundry lists” of faults can bring about damaging results because they prompt hopelessness. In my experience these kinds of lists are not accompanied by the way out of the sin, or the way to overcome the weakness or with encouragement that we can overcome them. These feelings do not promote faith, but can destroy it. I don’t believe that they come from the Lord. Line upon line, precept upon precept, learning to walk before learning to run. These, I believe are more in line with the way the Lord works on us to improve ourselves. I believe that the Lord does inspire and guide us toward improvement, but usually with a smaller number of imperfections at a time and with specific promptings about how we can overcome them. Perfection is a goal to be sought after in this life with the understanding that it will not be reached in this life.
The greatest power for overcoming depression and hopelessness for me was a deeper understanding and appreciation for the healing power of the atonement of Christ. First of all, as we begin to understand and apply the atonement to our lives to rid ourselves of sin, we begin to discover that the real power of the atonement lies not just in the taking away of the full weight of consequence for our sins, but more importantly in its power to change the very nature of our inclinations, our desires, our hearts. We become, through the atonement, different, and better than we were before. We start to understand that perfection is possible, not because we’re that good now, but that with the help of Christ, we can become that good some day. We stop trying to be our own savior, and let the Savoir do His work. We do the best we can, and then, acting with faith, ask for the Savoir to do the rest. We recognize that we must depend on his divine help to lead us to change and to give us the capacity to resist falling backward. We begin to use the promptings for improvement in a positive way to promote change in our lives through the power of the Lord. We may find a necessary patience with our journey toward perfection. We may discover that “doing our best” does not mean perfection, and that the Lord is not expecting our perfection in all things today. With greater understanding and testimony of the atonement, we gain the faith in Jesus Christ necessary to make the atonement a real power in our lives. This creates a positive partnership with the Lord in our path toward perfection and can change our attitude toward repentance to one that is not negative, but positive and filled with hope.
Secondly, I believe that the atonement can have an even more direct impact on overcoming depression and discouragement. I think that as we begin to understand the incredible power of the atonement, we can find that Christ is a source of divine strength to endure and ultimately exit the clouds of discouragement. We find powerful and effective healing to our souls from the damaging effects of despair through the infinite power of the atonement. See Alma 7:11-12. “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” What comfort and encouragement we should receive from these words. For not only is there one who understands exactly how you feel, there is one who has risen with healing in his wings to combat the effects of the infirmity and of the debilitating effects of depression and hopelessness. In the struggle with depression, we should remember the words of Alma regarding the power of the atonement to heal the infirmities, pains and sicknesses of his people. We should believe that just as Jesus went about healing the blind, the lame and casting out evil spirits, he can and will heal the affliction of spirit with which we suffer. We must be like Alma, who, as he was “racked with torment… caught hold upon this thought” and plead, as did he, for the power of the atonement to be applied in our life. Just as Alma was freed from the chains of sin, we can be freed from the spiritually debilitating and potentially damning scourge of hopelessness and depression. Christ’s healing power through the atonement is infinite in its effect. It is strong enough to heal broken hearts, failing faith, and to lift spirits weighed down by discouragement and sorrow. It is universal in its nature – it applies to each and every one of God’s children in all their individual needs. It applies to you!
If we will go to the Lord in faith, asking for strength, for insight, for help in seeing through the darkness, asking for the healing influence of the atonement to be applied in our lives, the Lord will help us remove the debilitating effects of depression in our lives. But we must go before the Lord in humility, with a willing heart to understand and accept His will for us. Being in despair is not the same as being humble or having a willing heart. Having suffered much emotional and spiritual pain, we may have hardened our hearts; we may be unwilling to really listen to the Lord. How can we tell if our heart is humble and willing? I think that if we have a humble heart we are willing to accept that our view of life may not be correct. If we have a willing heart, we are willing to turn our lives over to the Lord, we are willing to follow the light that he will manifest to us that will shows us the way out of darkness, back into the light of his love. I know that this is not easy. It takes great faith to continue our efforts to commune with the Lord when we have been unsuccessful in feeling his influence in the past. Turning over our lives to the Lord is a frightening thing to do, especially when we already feel weighed down with burdens that seem much to heavy to carry and fear what additional loads the Lord may have in store for us. But we must remember that the Lord loves us perfectly; that his path will never allow us to suffer anything needlessly, and that his way toward perfection requires the least amount of heartache and suffering. We must not, in pride, believe that we know best. We must be willing to follow Christ’s invitation found in Matthew 11:29 “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light”. The Lord’s path for us, (his yoke and his burden) is much easier than any uninspired path we might choose for ourselves. When we follow his path by accepting his will, the difficulties in life will still come, but they will be lessened as we avoid unnecessary pitfalls. The necessary hardships of life are swallowed up in the joy and peace that comes from knowing we follow the Lord’s path and that by so doing, we are promised His divine help.
As we humbly pray in faith, saying, and really meaning, “thy will be done”, we must listen carefully for the promptings of the spirit; those promptings will be the directions to begin your journey toward more light, more happiness and more joy. We may be prompted to remember certain scriptures, a relief society or priesthood lesson, or we may be inspired to speak with a trusted friend, church leader, health care worker, or counseling professional. Listen to the promptings and follow them. Your exact pathway out may be different than mine, or than that followed by others you may know. The Lord knows you. He knows the best way out of your particular spiritual and emotional problems. He will help you because he loves you and wants you to succeed.
Your journey back may not be immediate, and will certainly require much effort on your part. Be patient and unwavering in your efforts. Your life will become richer, and much more rewarding, and you will find it much easier than remaining mired in the bog of depression. Let go of the dark, distorted, false vision of life and of your standing with the Lord. Let go of the darkness. Let the light of hope and faith in Christ begin to replace it.
Having been through this process myself, I know that there is a way out. I thank the Lord with all my heart for helping me out of hopelessness. I thank my Savior for His atoning sacrifice that made it possible to receive healing in my broken heart. And while I occasionally struggle still, I feel to praise the Lord for every day of hope and light and for the ability to see the darkness for what it is, and for the strength to fight it. I testify that God lives. That he is mindful of each of his children. As a Bishop, I have felt in some small measure, how much each of God’s children is loved and known individually. I have felt divine manifestations of that love and concern. It is a divine and sacred truth that God loves each and every one of his children and knows their needs and desires. I have felt the loving arms of the Savoir surround me in my time of need. I know of the contrast between that feeling and the feeling that comes from believing I was abandoned. I know that He loves each one of us and that through the atoning power of the sacrifice of His Son we can find peace, joy and happiness in this life, even amidst the difficulties of life. I know the power of the atonement is real; that it is infinite; that there is a healing balm in the atonement that can be applied to broken hearts and to shaken faith. I know that as we let go of unrealistic expectations, accept Christ as our Savoir, and strive to follow Him in all that we do that He will bless us to find an appropriate and spiritually healthy balance between self-justification and spiritual self-mutilation.
We must never lose hope. We are sons and daughters of God. As such, we are loved, and His promised blessings await us. We will never be abandoned. Our Heavenly Father, His Son, and many beyond the veil are pulling for us to win the battle. There is a way out! God bless you in your journey.


Other suggested reading:
2 Nephi Chapter 4 and D&C 121, 122
“Do Not Despair,” Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, Oct. 1986, p.2
“Awake My Soul, Dealing Firmly with Depression,” Steve Gillialand, Ensign, Aug. 1978, p.37
“Light in Darkness,” Ensign, June 1998, p. 16
“Dealing with Stress and Discouragement,” Ensign, June 1998, p. 16
“No Doubt About It”. Sherry L. Dew, Deseret Book.