The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt?

Elder Holland’s talk from General Conference in April 2006 beautifully relates the story of Christ on the Sea of Gallilee:
I think also of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: “Come,” He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Undoubtedly with some sadness, the Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (Matthew 14:27-31, emphasis added)[1]
Why do we doubt? Why is it so easy for us to forget His great power, believing that some small thing will be too much for Him to handle? We all have our reasons, but the truth is, none of them are good enough. There is never any reason to stop trusting our Savior.
We often forget the last two verses of this story. “And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased” (v. 32). The wind did not cease when Peter was afraid and cried out. This is another instance when the situation is not changed and the danger is not removed. Christ did not command the elements to be still until they were in the boat, until Peter had learned his lesson about faith. Often the Lord waits until we have learned what we need to learn to take away our affliction. Perhaps we only prolong our agony by refusing to come to Him. In our pride, we try to solve it ourselves, or we believe that the Lord has forgotten us. Quite the contrary: we have most likely forgotten the Lord.
If we will put our faith in the Lord and allow Him to save us, we will learn these powerful lessons, and have cause to worship Him as the apostles did, saying, “Of a truth thou art the Son of God” (v. 33). We too must learn this lesson again and again in our own lives.
[1] Jeffrey R. Holland, “Broken Things to Mend,” Ensign, May 2006, 69

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