The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

There is a Season

Let us also remember that we do not always have to be happy. Every time I have a bad day I start to get so afraid that it’s coming back. It’s coming back to stay. That evil little voice inside me makes it so much worse; it magnifies my negative feelings tenfold. But then, so often, Jeff will remind me, “It’s okay. Everyone has their days.” Just knowing that makes all the difference. Sometimes people get sad for no reason.
If I determine that my feelings of sorrow or guilt are not actually due to sin, I try to remind myself that life is not meant to be happy all the time. Though we were sent here to have joy (2 Nephi 2:25), true joy does not mean laughing all the time; true joy comes from knowing the truth, from learning and growing through our trials. The Book of Mormon’s numerous references to sadness are not always because of sin, nor are they always negative. Jacob writes, “our lives passed away like it were unto us a dream, we being a lonesome and a solemn people,” even though they felt the love of God and searched the scriptures. He concludes, “wherefore, we did mourn out our days” (Jacob 7:26).
The truth is, we do not always have to be happy. “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven,” we are told in Ecclesiastes, “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance”[1]. Christ did not teach in the Beatitudes[2] “blessed are they who are happy all the time. He knew we wouldn’t be happy all the time, but that we had to go through these experiences in life to make us better. Blessed, instead, are the meek, the humble, the poor in spirit, those that weep, those that mourn, and they who hunger and thirst after righteousness.
Afflictions are the refiner’s fire. They are meant to make us stronger, and they show us that God trusts us enough to give them to us, “for God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which ye are able” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Trials are our Father’s way of showing us how strong we can be.
We are not promised total and eternal happiness until after this life and after the judgment. Only then will we receive the happiness that we earn through our endurance in this life, which is made possible through Christ:
And he hath brought to pass the redemption of the world, whereby he that is found guiltless before him at the judgment day hath it given unto him to dwell in the presence of God in his kingdom, to sing ceaseless praises with the choirs above, unto the Father, and unto the Son, and unto the Holy Ghost, which are one God, in a state of happiness which hath no end. (Mormon 7:7)
We have never been promised this kind of happiness for this life. It is the blessing and reward given to the faithful in the end. This does not come at any time in this life, though we may feel the joy of the gospel in this life. If we hold on, if we endure in righteousness, and if we refuse to believe Satan’s lies, we can eventually receive this happiness—the happiness without end.
[1] Ecclesiastes 3:1,4; See also Ecclesiastes 7:2-6, James 4:9-10
[2] 3 Nephi 12:3-6; Matthew 5:3-11; Luke 6:20-22

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