The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

What Marvelous Light

Depression causes such darkness of soul that one of the greatest desires of the depressed is the light of Christ. We plead, as in the hymn:
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom; Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.[1]
We can take as an example Alma the Younger, who experiences “the pains of a damned soul,” “eternal torment,” “the pains of hell,” and “inexpressible horror” as part of his conversion. At the height of his torture, Alma’s mind caught hold on one thought:
I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. (v.17-18)
As soon as Alma cried out for our Savior’s aid, it came. “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain” (v. 19-20)!
These are verses that always cause me to marvel. Just think of it: “joy as exceeding as was my pain!” The worst pain in the world, the pain of a soul tortured with the pains of hell, harrowed up by guilt, and in the depths of bitterness and darkness, can be turned completely around to joy and light just as strong, with only one thought. I feast upon these words perhaps more than any others in the Book of Mormon, and I cannot emphasize their power and truthfulness enough. Oh, what joy. What marvelous light. The light of Christ is that strong.
We can all have this experience, though it may first get darker. Alma moved far deeper into the darkness than most of us will ever have to experience, but that made the light that much brighter. Christ’s light can permeate any soul, penetrate any darkness. “He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened” (Mosiah 16:9). If we will believe and ask sincerely, He can fill our souls with His light.
[1] John Henry Newman, “Lead, Kindly Light,” Hymns, 97

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