The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

They May Forget

One of my favorite scriptures about what our Savior did for us is Isaiah 49:15-16: “Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” When I first discovered this reference in high school, I loved the imagery of the Savior’s hands; He constantly has a reminder of us in the palms of his hands. It is a reminder of what he suffered and a reminder of us, those for whom he suffered.
In high school I tended to ignore the first verse. I was a little confused by the referral to a woman and her child, and I wondered why it would say that any mother could possibly forget her baby. Since having Emma, my feelings about this have been deepened more, and I can feel what a strong comparison this is. To answer the question, “Can a woman forget her sucking child?” I want to say no. I feel that I could never forget my daughter; I will always have compassion on her. It is the strongest bond I have ever felt so immediately in my life.
Had I been the one making this comparison and writing these words, I would have answered the question with a firm “no.” In my version of this scripture it would say that just like a mother, Christ can never forget us. Luckily, though, I wasn’t the one writing, and these words were clearly inspired. The Lord in his infinite wisdom tells us through these words that He is far more loving than any earthly mother. He gets our attention with this question and then surprises us a little with the answer. He wants us to see what a difference it is; He loves us far more and far more perfectly than we will ever love anybody in this life. The news and our own experiences confirm to us that unfortunately, some mothers do forget their children. The most God-like relationship we will ever have in this life is still nowhere near the perfect love we receive from our Father in Heaven and the Father of our Spirits, our Savior. He will never forget us.

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