The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

(Chapter 4) Holding On

Just as every dark night ends with the rising of the sun, no depression lasts forever. Light will come back eventually. Most people find that depression goes in cycles—their lives are a series of ups and downs. Comfort can be found in looking forward to the ups.
When I was depressed, I derived some degree of comfort in knowing that others had felt the way I did. Micahael Mclean’s song “Hold on, the Light Will Come” described my feelings impeccably and gave beautiful counsel:
Hold on. Hold on. The light will come.
If you feel trapped inside a never-ending night
If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come,
Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come.[1]
Anyone who has experienced depression knows the fear and the sorrow portrayed in these words, knows what it means to “feel trapped inside a never-ending night.” That is why the counsel is so wise and poignant: Just hold on. It’s true: the light will come. No matter how much it feels like it won’t, no matter how terribly dark it gets, it will not be dark forever. There is light in the world, and eventually that light will come back.
[1] “Hold On, The Light Will Come,” The Collection.

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