The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

Prayer of Thanksgiving

One of the most effective tools I have found in conquering my negative feelings toward prayer is saying a prayer of pure gratitude. I forget about trying to ask for things I need and try to remind myself of all the good in my life. Sometimes I have to make myself think of the things I am truly grateful for. My husband, my daughter, our home. Once I start thinking of my blessings, they come a little more easily. I realize I am also grateful for the nice weather and the blue sky. The trees, the grass, the birds. The person who smiled at me today. Soon the blessings come tumbling into my mind and momentarily replace the guilt and the sadness with a little bit of sunlight. When we are thinking of the things we love or appreciate, it is hard to remember the sadness.
With this glimmer of hope I sometimes find the ability to ask the Lord for the comfort I need. Other times, I feel that perhaps things will be okay after all, because I have found my gratitude. I find that I don’t even need to ask for comfort, because I have found it in my blessings. “Count your many blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”[1] This is true. Sometimes I am surprised by all the good in my life. It is a beautiful feeling.
[1] Johnson Oatman, Jr., “Count Your Blessings” Hymns 241

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