The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

Whom Will I Believe?

There are basically two separate versions of reality that we can believe. One is the truth, and the other is a lie. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland has expressed the truth this way:
There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the light that is endless, that can never be darkened (see John 8:12). It is the very Son of God Himself. …
To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ‘more excellent ministry’ (Heb. 8:6) with a future of better promises. He is your ‘high priest of good things to come’ (Heb. 9:11).[1]
Satan is the author of the other version of reality, the lie. He would have us believe that we are evil for not being happy, that it is our fault, and that we can never change. He would have us forget the Savior and forget what it’s like to feel the Spirit. I know he takes advantage of the times we are depressed. As long as we realize that the negative feelings are not true and that they are not from the Lord, we can withstand them.
“But behold he doth not command us that we shall subject ourselves to our enemies, but that we should put our trust in him, and he will deliver us. Therefore, […] let us resist evil” (Alma 61:12-13)[2]. Though we are required at times to wait for the healing hand of the Lord, we are not required to allow the devil to put evil thoughts into our minds. Let us remember that they are lies. Even if they feel true, they are still lies. Holding on and waiting for the light does not mean allowing the devil to ravage our souls and convince us that the Lord doesn’t love us.
We are often told that the word “remember” is one of the most important words in the gospel. We read and reread the scriptures, have the same lessons in church, and hear the same words in the temple every time we go. For the most part, we already know the truths that can save us in times of need. Those truths must become engrained in us, so that in times of need we can access their power. The Lord knows how dangerous forgetting gospel truths can be, because if we forget, Satan will fill in the gaps with his own lies.
The ultimate truth we can remember is the truth of the Savior and His atonement, and this is the rock to which we must cling:
And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall. (Helaman 5:12)
We simply have to hang on to this truth; hang on, and refuse to let go; hang on, and wait for it to get better.
[1] “An High Priest of Good Things to Come.” Ensign, Nov. 1999, 36.
[2] See also James 4:7

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