The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

The Lessons

Perhaps the worst aspect of depression for me was the inability to reconcile my life and my feelings with the gospel I had grown up learning. I was living the gospel, yet I was miserable. I knew that it was not my fault that I suffered from depression. I knew it was not because I sinned, and I did not do anything to drive away the Spirit. So why couldn’t I feel the Spirit? Why didn’t I feel comfort? Why did I feel more frustrated and alone and guilty when I prayed? Satan is the source of those feelings, so why did I get stuck with an “illness” that makes it easier for Satan to influence my thoughts and feelings?
Though our feelings try to convince us otherwise, the answers to all of my questions can indeed be found in the scriptures, in the gospel. Those answers are well worth the pain it takes to find them. The lessons I have learned through the grueling school of depression have convinced me that I wouldn’t trade my trials with another person. I know that the challenges my Father in Heaven has given me are hand-tailored for my growth and development. That is what gets me through all of it, and that is what gives me hope.

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