The text of this blog is a manuscript I wrote between 2004 and 2006 about my experience with depression, and what I learned from it. I claim no psychiatric or medical expertise; I only wrote what I felt. My standpoint is that of an LDS wife and mother who has experienced depression. I know that countless others have this trial as well, and have included some thoughts, feelings, and stories from several others who were good enough to share their experiences with me (names have been changed). I feel that if there is even the slightest chance that someone may gain any measure of peace or comfort from my thoughts--even if it is derived simply from knowing that you are not alone--then this is well worth my time. If you don't agree with what I say here, that's fine with me. I never mean to oversimplify or trivialize the experience of depression, and I don't claim that anything I say will cure anyone. If you or anyone you know has depression, I hope that what I say might help. (I'll warn you right now though, if you're currently depressed, you'll probably be inclined to tell yourself that this stuff doesn't apply to you.)
Since writing this, I've experienced depression a couple of times, in the form of postpartum depression that I didn't even recognize for what it was for quite awhile, since it manifested itself more in anger than in sadness. I've also had some experience with anxiety, which adds a whole new and awful dimension to the whole thing. But for any of these circumstances, I think that the more we can talk about all of it, the more power we reclaim.

-Jana

Preface


Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
-Emma Lou Thayne[1]

I have depression. Giving utterance to these words can feel to me like the confession of a sin or a deep, dark secret. I never know what reaction to expect, but it is almost always difficult to say the words. Still, I feel that depression is now a part of me. It is a part of my history; it has helped shape me into the person I am, and it has taught me much of what I now know to be true. Letting people into this part of myself is liberating for me, and I can only hope that learning of my experiences may be enlightening and uplifting for others. Depression is a story that needs to be told.
[1] “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” Hymns 129

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Friend of Jen's.

I really think you captured the feelings of depression. It's so hard to describe it, but I think you did it beautifully. Especially that there is hope, even though it's a battle, you have to try very hard to get there.

Gretchen said...

Thank you for sharing your story!

Kristi said...

You may not remember me but I was so suprised to hear that you have dealt with this!
Your book is very strong and courageous. From someone who deals with Severe Clinical Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder, so much of this was like what I have gone through.
Thank you for sharing this, I will put a link to it on my blog.

Michelle Arnett said...

We sang this song at my oldest son's funeral. He passed away at 22 months old just 3 years ago. This song has brought much peace at my most depressing times. Much love.